Once upon a time, a wise man was wandering in a harbor with a friend. They saw a man who held his head between his two hands, thinking deeply sitting on a galiot. The wise man’s friend said to him: ‘Look, this man is one of the wealthiest people in the world. There is nothing he hasn’t done; nowhere he hasn’t seen. Yet he’s unhappy.’ The wise man’s answer was: ‘He must be taking himself wherever he goes, that’s why he’s unhappy…’
Yesterday, I remembered about this story when one of my counselees has told me that she was unhappy in her workplace and wanted to change it.
‘You may change your workplace.’ I said. ‘Bu believe me, your new workplace is not going to be any different from here.’ I gave her an example when I saw that she didn’t really understand what I was saying.
‘Let’s say you start a job to work on something for 1000 USD. Two days later, your director asks you to work on something else. You can’t say no and you work on both of them for 1000 USD. A week later, one of your colleagues comes and tells you that she needs help. You say ok and you now work on three different things. Then your boss comes, he congratulates you and gives you another task. You accept it as well. After all, you become a tired and unhappy person who works on four different tasks for 1000 USD and leaves work at 10 pm in the evening. Now you say that you are unhappy in your current job and you want to leave to find a different one. Ok, just go. But what would change if you just didn’t learn to say ‘no’?’
Unfortunately, there are people who think they can change their whole lives if they change their boyfriend/ girlfriend or their job. If a person can’t be happy and take control of his life wherever he’s right now, he won’t be able to do it anywhere else.
If you leave a place saying ‘That’s enough!’, then you are just escaping. What you are escaping will maximize and find you again. Remember, the world will change if you change...
When I observe the people in my life, I see that some of them are sad, worried and confused.
They are confused because they don’t know what they want expect from their lives. More interestingly, they don’t even think about questioning it. I thought if someone could really avoid asking what she wanted from her life. And I realized that it could actually happen. Let me tell you how:
- Some of these people are not brave enough to go after their own dreams and desires. Because when they pursue their own path they also have to take the responsibility of their lives. On the other hand, if they take their steps in life according to other people’s expectations, then they will have the chance to blame others for what happen in their own lives. They are afraid of taking responsibility and failing in realization of their dreams.
- Most of them have a “picture” that they represent to in the outside world. This is usually a picture of a very strong and successful person. If they fail on their self chosen path, they feel afraid of being humiliated and loosing that picture on which they spent years to create. However the reality truth is that their life is getting lost… Instead of taking a wrong step, they choose not to take any steps at all.
- The desires of the inner child and the desires of the inner parents contradict each other. If they haven’t already started managing their own lives, the voice of the parents in their ears becomes more dominant. Some of them are worried about saddening their parents while others are worried about not getting approval or not even being loved. Turning the voice of the parents off while turning the voice of the inner self on is a process that needs to be learned.
- Most of them think “I should either do the work that I love or the work that will earn me lots of money” I don’t know what happened to the jobs that had both so that they decided not to search for these jobs they both love and also make lots of money from. Yet, there is one thing that all the wealthy people seem to agree about: If you love what you do, money will follow you anyway. Many years ago, they asked Benetton’s advertisement expert when he created those world wide popular advertisements: “When do you go on vacation?” And his answer was:“I am on vacation everyday” What if we could go after a job in which we could get as much pleasure as we are on vacation?
- And finally some people are afraid that their dreams will become true. They think as if they will not be able to replace their realized dreams with a new dream.
So after all these, you have decided to ask yourself the question of “What do I want?” and take the steps that you are willing to take. How will you search the answer to this question? Will you sit down and close your eyes as if in a meditation and repeat “What do I want, what do I want?”
In my opinion, there is nothing to exaggerate in such a way. Because, the things that you do with love and passion should have already become evident during these many years. I don’t even remember taking breaks at school until the end of the 3rd year at middle school. Because, in every break, I used to play my flute that I carried with me. At home, I would accompany the cassettes of the famous singers with my flute. This would go on for many hours. Could you have a child do this by force? See, passion is something like that. Take a look at your life; what were those things that you used to do with this much passion?
If you are similar to some of the people that I listed above, let’s take a step towards the new. Let’s move our heads away from our daily hustle and bustle and search the answers to these three questions: How do you dream yourself when you are 90 years old? Are you currently walking on this path? What is the smallest change that you could do in your life right now, so that you can reach your dream of yourself at the age of 90?
Sometimes a question can change a life. You will be able to find what you want much easier by looking ahead way further; not by looking at just tomorrow from today.
One of my counselees has lately told me that she wanted a tall boyfriend. She even told me that she immediately eliminated any men who were shorter than her. Here is the conversation we had:
What if he is not tall?
He wouldn’t be a good match for me.What if he wouldn’t be a good match for you?
People will say ‘This is not a nice couple’.What if people say ‘This is not a nice couple’?
People will criticize me.What do you need if you are afraid of being criticized?
Acceptance and approval.
Let’s see what we came to understand through this questioning:
1) The criterion doesn’t belong to my counselee!
My counselee says that she wanted a tall lover but that’s not her criterion, it’s other people’s criterion. We saw that she acted according to what other people wanted for appreciation. ‘We are okay with his height, let’s see what others would want for his weight?’ Based on such criteria, would she choose a lover for herself or for others?
2) The criterion is not ‘a criterion for a happy relationship’
The criterion of ‘tall men’ wouldn’t bring happiness. It is no different than recruiting a man with a red pulley and expecting him to speak fluent English.
3) Even though you satisfy the desire, there might still be an unmet need behind it
I want a tall boyfriend (because) I need approval. We found a tall man so we had the approval. What if people criticize that he is ‘very thin’ this time?
As a result, are you aware of your needs behind your desires? Whose lover are you looking for? Will the man you find bring you the relationship you really want?
You can get help from the practice package Have Your Dream Relationship to become clear about what kind of a relationship you really want and eliminate the obstructions that keeps you from achieving it.
City life is very noisy. We become unable to hear our inner voice because of this noise. We aren’t even aware of what we really want or need. We are distant from ourselves. When we are distant from ourselves, it is almost impossible to get closer to someone else.
We are constantly yearning since we aren’t aware of our needs. We become aggressive and angry because of this yearning. We begin a relationship to receive, not to give. To receive love, compassion or appreciation… We expect from someone else to give us what we can’t give for ourselves. We think ‘something is missing’ and try to complete it by expecting it from outside. We run faster, worrying that ‘we are late’ and we move away from our real selves as we run faster.
If we slow down despite the hectic pace of the city and be centered in our own stillness, we will be able to hear our inner voice better. Our relationships will have balance as we have balance in our own lives. Then we will stop our efforts to balance ourselves through relationships.
This excerpt is taken from an interview I gave for the Valentine’s Day February Issue of the İstanbul Life magazine.
Some people ask me what I talk about in relationship seminars. Even though what I talk about usually depends on the questions I ask and the answers given by the participants , we sometimes have dialogues such as:
John made me feel very bad.
You think that John made you feel bad. But there is no ‘bad feeling’. So what is it that you really feel?He made me angry.
John can’t make you angry. Can you say what you feel using the pronoun ‘I’, without putting the blame on another person?I got angry with John.
You can’t be angry about everything John did. Which of his behaviors did you get angry about?I got angry because he wasn’t listening me.
How do you know that John wasn’t listening you? You interpret the situation that way. Can you leave aside your subjective perspective and express it more objectively?I got angry because John didn’t look me in the eye while I was talking.
It might be that he actually looked you in the eye but you didn’t see. How would you express it using ‘I’?I got angry because I didn’t see that John looked me in the eye while I was talking.
In this case, what was your unmet need that made you angry?
I was angry because my need to be listened and respected was not met.
You can see how we moved away from the first point you expressed it ‘John made me feel bad.’ If you are ready to face yourself, you may continue with questions such as: ‘Do I listen myself? Do I respect myself?
Like attracts like. If you see that John doesn’t listen or respect you, you don’t listen or respect him either but you are not aware of it.
If you express your feelings clearly, you will begin to get closer with yourself. If you avoid interpreting the situations, you will see them more clearly. If you focus on your unmet needs instead of blaming when you have negative feelings, it will be easier to work out the problem. If you choose to satisfy your needs by using your own inner resources instead of expecting it from others persistently, you will have a balanced life.
One of my counselees told me about her boyfriend and asked me: ‘Why does he text to her ex-girlfriend when he is with me?’
I don’t find it helpful to ask ‘why’ questions about others. It helps nothing but confusing the mind. Because you don’t have the answer. You will never be sure about it no matter what your answer is. Your mind will keep asking the same question and your mind will get confused each time you ask. (Cancel)
During the session, we developed a formula for those who ask these ‘why’ questions frequently. Here is the formula:
1. Catch your ‘why’ question
Why does he text to his ex-girlfriend when he is with me?2. Ask yourself this question: ‘What do I see here?’
I see a boyfriend who doesn’t value me.3. Ask yourself this question: ‘In what ways do I do the same thing?’
In what ways do I not value him?
Your first answer to the last question will probably be ‘Of course I value him greatly.’ Don’t be fooled by this answer and ask yourself the same question at least two or three times more. Even though my counselee claimed at first that she really valued her boyfriend, she later realized that she was actually comparing him with her ex-boyfriends, thinking that they were more handsome than him. Even such a comparison decreases the value she gives to him.
If you are honest with yourself, you will see that you somehow do the same thing that you are trying to understand about him. If you still can’t see in which ways you don’t value him, then ask yourself this question: In what ways do I not value myself? We realized that my counselee was really upset about the situation but she never expressed her sadness. Not being able to express yourself clearly is typical for a person who doesn’t value herself…
As a result, instead of trying to understand the other person through asking questions starting with ‘why’, begin by observing yourself.
Find out how you behave him or yourself in a similar way. Remember, the world will change as you change. Like attracts like. Unless you change, you will face the same problems even though someone else comes into your life. And he will keep texting his ex-girlfriend just as your boyfriend does now.
I often hear this sentence from women during my seminars: ‘There is no suitable man for me’. And they do their best to make me believe in what they believe. What I tell them is this: ‘If you can’t see them, that doesn’t mean that they don’t exist.’
The one-sided generalizations that take you away from your aims are called ‘limiting beliefs’. Having a limiting belief such as: ‘There is no suitable man for me.’ will even prevent you from seeing the men that are actually around you. Let me tell you how:
Years ago, I met a girl who was older than me. I would go and ask for her advice when I had problems with my relationships. One day she called me and suggested we go to Kemancı together. Kemancı was one of the most popular rock bars of İstanbul at the time. I thought it was only the two of us going. But when I came to the meeting place, I saw that she had brought four other men who had problems with their relationships just as I did. So we went to Kemancı as a group of five men and a woman.
I didn’t look similar to any of the people in the bar. I had glasses, short hair and a colorful shirt while most of the people in the bar had long hair, black shirts with skulls on them and no glasses. I thought ‘Girls will not even take a look at me here’ because I looked completely different.
We danced on a platform all night. While we were leaving my friend who took us there turned to me and said: ‘Hakan, the girls who were standing on your right didn’t take their eyes off you throughout the night. But you never turned and looked at them.’ I still don’t know if what she was saying was true or not. But there is something I am sure about: I really didn’t look to my right even once that night. Fearing to be rejected because of my thought ‘The girls here won’t be interested in me.’, I just danced with my friend who was dancing on my left side.
Something else happened after a few years. There was a girl I was really interested in the company I was working at the time. I found her very attractive but again I thought ‘This girl won’t be interested in me.’ I really enjoyed chatting with her when we came across during the coffee breaks. Five or six months have passed chatting at the breaks. One day I took up all my courage and I texted her that I really liked her. Her answer was: ‘I ran after you for six months. But you didn’t reciprocate and I was about to give up. So I was very surprised to have your message.’ I was definitely very surprised as well. Because I was sure that she would never take a look at me…
The limiting beliefs such as ‘he would never take a look at me’ or ‘there is no suitable man for me’ are just like the walls you build around yourself. In order to see what is behind the walls you need to break them and replace them with empowering beliefs. But you aren’t able to see the other possibilities since you focus on ‘the impossible’. You won’t see those who are dancing under your nose and looking at you all night or those who runs after you in your workplace. It is time for you to change your beliefs and create your lover out of nothing!
We have forgotten to enjoy life. Since childhood, we are trying to accomplish the goals that have been set for us. Instead of bringing our talents and intelligence to light, we are constantly in a mode of competition as if we have to be perfect. The more we compete, the more we compare. The more we compare, the more deficient we feel and become unhappy.
Osho says: “A grass leaf is needed as much as the biggest star. Without the grass leaf, God will be less than he is. This sound of the cuckoo is needed as much as any Buddha; the world will be less, will be less rich if this cuckoo disappears. Just look around. All is needed, and everything fits together.”
We are self-sufficient and beautiful in every way. However, there are so many “shoulds” that we are taught. As in the case of, “you should be successful”, “you should be beautiful”. Unless we become aware of these “shoulds” and get rid of them, we live the lives that others demand from us. We are expected to behave according to the beauty and success standards that were determined by others. Consequently, we remain hungry because our needs are never satisfied.
So few of us wake up and ask “what do I want?” Those who can not quiet down the voice of others, live the lives expected of them instead of pursuing their own dreams. This is such a dilemma that regardless whether these people chose to live their own dreams or someone else’s dreams, they feel guilty either way. The proper thing to do is to lower the voice of the others and start listening to our own needs.
Since we don’t know how to communicate with ourselves, we don’t know how to communicate with others either. Every time we feel angry or guilty and don’t express our feelings, it builds up inside. We remain unsatisfied as we don’t know how to convey our needs. When we remain unsatified, we try to get that satisfaction from other things like eating chocolate, shopping etc.
The comparison is not only with others but also with ourselves. We don’t like the way we were yesterday. We don’t like the decisions we make. However, it is important to remember that we also did the best with what we knew back then. We chose the best among all the available options we had. We tend to forget about this fact. We feel guilty instead of being happy with our new broader perspective.
Of people who have a guilty conscience, some want to get out of this while others want to continue to suffer. They get pleasure from the suffering. In every occasion they tend to focus on the part that they can blame themselves about. Afterwards, just like a jewelry designer, they diligently work on “that blamed part” and they make it more embellished.
- Choose any situation,
- Find something wrong with the situation,
- Blend in the thoughts of “I am inadequate”, “I can`t”
- And nicely start self-accusing yourself… (Cancel)
If we can catch ourselves during one of these 4 steps, we can get out of this cycle.
Remind yourself how much you are loved. Shower every part of yourself with praise when you are in front of the mirror. Write love letters to yourself from the mouth of your ideal lover. Have plenty of gratitude for what you have.
If we didn’t exist, the universe would be incomplete… We are always loved. We are always perfect in every way.
‘My husband keeps himself apart!’ I sometimes hear this statement from my counselees and I find it quite strange. Something is apart from you to the very extent that you are apart from it. Could Ankara be 20 km apart from İstanbul while İstanbul is 500 km apart from Ankara? If your husband remains distant from you, then you remain distant from him too.
They say: ‘No way! I do everything for him… Can’t you see how close I am to him?’
Here, I am not talking about a formal or physical closeness; I am talking about closeness on an inner level. Are you really there with your heart while you seem to be there with him physically? Could it be your anger or fear that you feel for him keeping you distant?
I had a counselee who complained that her father kept himself apart. They lived in different cities. Her father didn’t come when she opened her new workplace or when her child was born. She could count many such instances to explain how her father stood apart.
I told her the same thing: ‘If your father is apart, then it is actually you who stands apart from him.’ During the sessions we did, she remembered a past incident: When she was a little child, she eavesdropped on a conversation her parents were having. Her mother told her father that an acquaintance was sexually abusing his own daughter. The little girl was afraid upon hearing this conversation. So, without even being aware, she built up a wall between her and her father in order to protect herself.
I go a step further here: If you are distant from others you are actually distant from yourself.
Below is a link where you can see the meditation I did together with my counselee. When we communicated her inner child during the meditation, she saw herself at the age of 5. She was sitting in a place 30 meters away, crouching on the ground and facing back. She was crying.
It took us a while to approach the little child. We then played and spent time with her. Within the week, her parents called her by themselves and visited her. We weren’t surprised at that. Because the world was getting closer to my counselee as she got closer to herself.
Whatever it is that you expect from outside, give it to yourself in the first place. Ask this question to yourself more often: ‘What do I need?’. If you look for closeness, get closer to yourself in the first place. If you want love, express your love you have for yourself more often. Remember: ‘The World is the way it is because of the way you are.’
We were raised hearing many definitions. Our minds are full of ‘goods’ and ‘bads’ such as: ‘It is good to work in a corporate. It is bad to have a desire for the opposite sex. It is good to eat spinach. It is not good to be 30 and still single.’ Nobody taught us to ask ourselves what we really wanted to do. We thought that we had to choose from the ‘goods’ that were given. And we forced ourselves to do so.
There is a huge choir in the heads of those who grew up with the ‘goods&bads’. This choir has a large staff which is composed of your mother, father, grandmother, neighbors etc. They all talk throughout the day ‘You’d better do this, you’d better do that’. The noise this choir creates is so great that these people cannot hear their own voice. They aren’t even aware of what they really want.
Besides, the same people are taken back when they face a situation that weren’t classified and taught as ‘good’ or ‘bad’. For example one of my counselees was taught that it’s bad to laugh when she’s with boys or make an eye contact with them. But those who taught her ‘what’s bad to do when she is with boys’ never told her what’s good (!) to do when she’s with them. That’s why she didn’t know what to do and get in a lather when she went out for a dinner with a man she is interested in, even though she had a respected career.
These people hope for help from other people’s ‘goods’ and ‘bads’ when their own definitions of ‘good or bad’ can’t help them. I know a lot of people who ask if they should call someone or not, see him or not or what they should write in a text message. They get totally confused when someone says ‘bad’ for something some other person finds ‘good’. Not knowing what to do, they can’t think of asking themselves this question ‘What do I want to do?’
Just turn down the volume of the choir in your head, let go of the question ‘What should I do?’. Pay attention to your own inner voice and ask: ‘What do I want to do?’
I am getting messages from people who want to change some of the things in their lives and say “I don’t know from where to start?” Fundamentally, coaching is not about giving answers, it is about expanding one’s perspective by asking questions. It is having someone find his/her own answers. Still, for purpose of using as a guide, I have listed below a few points to consider:
Questions:
Thinking starts with questions. Those who change their questions also change their thoughts, actions and results. I categorize the questions into two; the disempowering ones and the empowering ones. For instance, the question of “Why can’t I climb a tree, why can’t I do that?” is one that is disempowering, whereas, “How can I climb a tree, how can I do that?” is an empowering question. While the first question puts you in a vortex, the second question puts you in action, removes you out of your current situation. Asking questions towards your desired situation is more beneficial than trying to figure out the reasons.
Thoughts and expressions:
“I would like to climb a tree but I can’t.” Your expression in this sentence does not serve your desire. Namely, you can not climb a tree by saying “I can not climb”; saying this has no benefit for climbing a tree. Moreover, as if you are holding a megaphone in your hand, you are exclaiming to the whole universe and to all your cells, “I won’t do it.” Instead of this, you can take the first step, by saying phrases like “I am ready to climb the tree”, “I have the intention to climb the tree” Thereby, you move your focus towards doing.
Smallest steps:
“What is the smallest step I could take for climbing a tree?” Ask yourself this question. Many answers would be crossing your mind, e.g. putting on sneakers, choosing a smaller tree.
Focus:
No matter how many times you have tried, you should always keep your focus on “doing” even if you are not getting the results that you are after. If you fail, you just learned another way of how not to climb a tree! After your attempts, you may ask yourself the following: In every attempt, have I tried to climb the tree via the same spot and same way? What have I learned from my experience? For next time, what can I be doing differently?
Support:
If there are people, who have already climbed that tree or a similar tree, you could get support from them. You could learn about how they climbed, what type of obstacles they have encountered and how they managed to overcome them.
You could read this article one more time by replacing the example of “Climbing a tree” with any type of subject you would like to succeed in.
One day, we went camping in a deserted place. We were struggling with everything from pitching the tent to lighting the camp fire. Some people in the group were saying “we can’t do this”. At that point, one of my friends interjected “People are going to Mars; what are you talking about? We can do this.” Whenever a person comes to me and says "I can’t do this"; my friend’s remark “People are going to Mars” comes to my mind.
As last word: Reconsider whether you really want to climb the tree or not.
Don’t step on the gas pedal before releasing the handbrake
No matter how positively you think or how many affirmations you use, you can not move forward before cleaning out the sorrows and angers from the past and eliminating the limiting beliefs. Without the release of the handbrake, a vehicle would have difficulty moving forward. Stepping on the gas pedal in this position, you would be able to move but only to a degree which is a lot less than your normal capacity.
Don’t drive while constantly looking at the rearview mirror
You move towards wherever you focus on. Constantly thinking and talking about the past will make it difficult for you to move forward. Those people who walked out on you or the wrong steps you took in the past do remain in the past. Focus on where you want to go. Consequently, you drive more safely.
Make sure you are driving towards the right direction
If you don’t like anybody or if people can drive you nuts, maybe it is you that have a problem instead of them. Make sure that you evaluate your situation in an objective manner and remember this funny story: One day, Temel was driving on the highway. He heard an announcement on the radio. “Attention, on highway E-5 there is a vehicle moving in the wrong direction.” After the announcement, Temel looks around carefully and says: “Hey man, there isn’t just one; all of these cars are coming in the opposite direction!” Your boss, sweetheart, family, colleagues and you; just wonder who is “coming in the opposite direction?”
To find out about your speed, look at the speedometer once in a while
If you are driving on an open road even 250 km/h could feel like you are driving very slowly. Look at the dashboard so that you can find out your real speed and how far you have come along. Majority of those people who say “I am unable to succeed, I am lacking something” actually forget to look at the dashboard. They are unaware of the distance that they have come along and at how many km/h they drive. Use your clear goals as your dashboard and adjust your speed accordingly. Don’t say “I am going very slowly” by looking around at other cars. According to your own wishes, determine when and where you want to go.
Don’t try to reach another place by driving on the same road
Once you determine that you are on a dead end road, don’t insist on that same road by hoping that maybe next time it might lead to your destination. It does not. The ones who say “I am tired” are generally from this group. They try the same road by thinking that they are trying a different road; once they become unable to reach their destination, both their power and hopes are diminished. In order to arrive at different destinations, try different roads and even different vehicles.
Take a look at what Osho says: “Try to be simple in everything. If you are simple, you can not tell a lie because a lie can never be simple. The very nature of a lie has to be complex. Only truth can be simple.”
When they meet me, some of my clients say “Hakan, I have a lot to share with you”. They get really surprised when I tell them, “Please summarize it to me in only three sentences” They might even get a little mad at me that I am taking away the pleasure of them amplifying their sad stories. However, they are not aware of this: The most important reason why they are not able to see the solution is that they are drowned in the details of their long story.
Sometimes I ask my clients only yes or no questions. They give me longwinded answers. I listen to them attentively. Instead of answering with a simple yes or no, they tell a lengthy story. At the end, once they are done with their answers, there is not a yes or no.
Sometimes I leave them alone so that they could express themselves freely. They answer by skipping from one subject to the other. They are usually unable to remember the question when I unexpectedly stop them and ask “What was the Question?” The ones who answer usually remember the question that has been directed couple questions earlier vs. the one that has just been asked.
Just like it is not easy to find an item in a messy room with so many things scattered inside; it is not easy to find the solution inside a mind which is full of so many different stories. For this reason, I encourage my clients to simplify. Once they simplify, the realness (reality) starts showing itself and it becomes clearer.
Whenever I start hearing long answers, Osho’s words above come to my mind. “The truth is simple. When I encourage my clients to think simple, the mud around the reality gets cleaned up and the solution becomes evident like daylight.
I observe that people who are confused ask themselves similar questions that don’t have answers. In my opinion, these disempowering questions have two types. The first one is “Oh Lord, why is it me?” type “why” questions. Second one is “I wonder if I did wrong?” type “I wonder if” questions. Once we replace these questions with empowering ones such as “What is going on here?” or “So, what can I do next?” they start heading towards simplicity and solution.
In conclusion, if you want to get to know yourself, start simplifying. Eliminate all the unnecessary things in your life, including the needless questions in your mind and the needless stuff in your house.
Sometimes life feels like a video game. You can’t go to the next level without passing the current level and until you pass that level, you come across similar type of characters. Even if the appearance of these characters may change, they hit you at the same spot and always hurt you in a similar way.
Things get even more complicated when you generalize whatever hurts you: As in “All men, women, bosses are alike”. However, you were the one who picked and chose him/her among many others. You were the one who decided to continue the path with him/her.
Until you discover this important and delicate point and get over your current level, you keep playing with similar types of characters. Until you find the thing that you have overlooked and begin correcting it…
If, among all this sameness, you are now willing to say hi to the new, there are a couple of things you can do which I listed below:
Change your reactions. Whenever you recognize that you are getting angry with someone, do something you have never done before when you were in a similar situation. For example, go ahead and brush your teeth. Consequently, you will break the cycle that repeats itself and will quit giving automatic responses. You will be the one that manages his/her reactions vs. your reactions managing you.
Take a look at what you can do differently about communication. Every negative feeling occurs as a result of an unsatisfied need. Let’s say you got very angry, ask yourself: What do I really need? What is my unsatisfied need that caused me to get angry? Share the answer you find with the person you got angry with as well. For instance, “I needed this and when it was unsatisfied, I felt angry about your behavior”. Afterwards, fulfill this need.
Clean up the accumulated sorrow and anger that you bring from your previous relationships. If you don’t take care of this step, every event in your life will resemble to the one that had wounded you and you will continue to give automatic reactions. Don’t expect your life to change before you clean up the accumulated weight from your past. (For this clean-up, you can use this letter template.)
Look at the events from a broader framework. Don’t take things personally. Remember that the events of the big picture have a meaning that you don’t recognize at this very moment. Consider that 10 years from now, the conflict at this moment will have no meaning. Ask yourself, “What does this situation teach me, what lessons can I draw from this event?”.
Don’t make assumptions. “He didn’t bring me flowers; this means he doesn’t love me.” Try to find out, understand why he didn’t bring flowers.
Whatever you are expecting, offer it yourself first. If you are expecting attention, this would be attention; if you are expecting understanding, then give out understanding… In other words, whatever it is you are willing to have, create it first in yourself.
Once you’ve finished reading this article, don’t start your words with “It is easier to say but …” Read the article one more time and even if they may be really small, take a look at what you can change.
Some have grown up in small cities where holding the hand of a man would be a big time conversation topic for days. Some, at the beginning of their womanhood, had to go through the rage of their fathers when they came into first contact with a man. Unconsciously she learned this: “If I approach a man, I will get into trouble”.
Going forward, she didn’t and couldn’t approach a man. She hid her own femininity so that a man wouldn’t approach her. If it would be possible, she would even pray that her breasts wouldn’t grow. So that she wouldn’t be getting into trouble…
The mothers and grandmothers of some have cautioned plenty of times: “Oh honey, beware of men”. As such, she considered men as something dangerous that shouldn’t be trusted. She visualized half of the human beings on planet as boogeyman. In order to alienate herself from men, she has given up her femininity as well.
Some have observed many women around them that have been cheated on by their husbands, listened to the stories of adultery. She has said, “I don’t want to be a woman of this type” and has disowned her womanhood in its entirety.
In conclusion, as a result of giving up their womanhood due to one reason or another, all women have come across 3 different paths: Getting into motherhood right away by skipping their womanhood, becoming masculine or staying as a child.
When she forgot her womanhood role and became a mother, her husband was compelled to become a child as well. When she got into excessive masculinity, she started fussing about the passiveness and the weakness of the men that she came across. When she chose to stay as a child, she came across either dependent lovers that could not assume responsibilities or ones that acted like a father-figure. Therefore I assert that a woman will come across a man when she becomes a woman.
To what extent could you relate yourself to the examples above? Do you have a woman role-model? Have you ever observed how that role model talks, walks and approaches to men?
The only word that can be said to those who ask “How am I going to do this then?” would be: Start observing! Yourself, your body, the women around you, your wishes, desires.. The change occurs as a result of this. By becoming aware…
